Pain, how not to be bigger than it

My diary entry today during a flare up. The rest of the Pain diaries will be updated this weekend. Love x 

Thursday 20/04/2017I woke up again in a lot of pain but determined not to let people down again, I went into work.

I constantly tell myself to be bigger than my pain, more than my illness. The frequency to which I tell myself this makes me think that a lot of the time I’m not bigger than my pain.

Living with any type of illness is hard. Don’t let anyone make you think that is isn’t or that you should be dealing with your problems better. Sometimes I’m on top of the world but sometimes I’m going through hell. I can struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I start re planning my life as if everyday I were to experience me at my worst.

This is now normal.

“Fuck, I wish I was normal” I say to myself over and over.

Be bigger than your pain.

Your illness can define you and right now it is defining me. I think I’m close to being the worst I’ve been since my pain started over 3 years ago. Fuck I wish I was normal.

Be bigger than your pain.

Most days I get up and get on with it. I am bigger than my pain. I’m allowed to be ill. I am ill. That’s hard to admit. It’s hard to talk about. But I am ill. Ill. Fucking ill. Every-fucking-day. The world keeps on turning even though I’m ill. If I stop nothing else does. That’s why I need to carry on. Carry on going. Carry on being bigger than my pain. It is hard.

Things will get better eventually and I know that but for the time-being they are bad. I carry on to make the wrong decisions and be dominated by my pain and it has been going on for a length of time now where I will need a significant change to help me out of this rut. Please don’t do what I’ve done. Look after yourself better and speak to people more about your issues, no matter how small or sudden you think they are. As soon as things start getting bad take the reigns of your life, your illness, your emotions and steer them the way you want them to go. You have a lot of control of your own emotions.

I’m in a lot of pain and I am not feeling bigger than it

But that’s okay, because soon I will be through this flare up, and back on top of the world. Just like last time. Just like the time before that.

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